I have been thinking a lot lately about how cancer has changed my life. Not in a way of negativity or super positive outcomes. More so in the stuff that you dont know about until you feel it deep inside as an intense emotional pain. One that you CAN’T forget. Five letters to a word and it means so much.

Last night was hard. Really the past few days. Cody started an awesome new job managing a greenhouse! We have been apartment hunting to get into a better living situation. All great things! So why so much pain? Great question. I don’t know the answer yet.

Cancer has affected me so much. Not only physical changes that I have experienced – single mastectmy at 25, reconstruction at 26, 3 radiation zaps and ovaries removed at 28. The emotional and mental changes have also been drastic. We have also moved 5 times since March, a few of those being between Ohio and Colorado. New jobs. New homes. New friends. New family members (I’m an aunt!). So much has shifted physically and mentally. I have not been able to keep up with all of the change.

I decided to come to a coffee shop and write because that seems to help me to cope with things. It helps me to understand my thoughts because I can ramble off and teach myself something new. I am sitting at The Corner Beet in Denver, one of my favorite cafes with an amazing organic menu! The sun is beaming in through the window and causing me to sweat – that as well as the americano with CBD & steamed almond milk and don’t forget my menopausal hot flashes. I am getting used to the sweat.

Let’s talk hot flashes. I never knew what women meant when they said this “hot flash”. I can explain it in detail for you so you can be grateful to not have these personally. I want you to sit and appreciate the fact that you are not just chillin then BAM sweat dripping down your nose. When I have a hot flash it comes in on the hairline of my neck. You can literally touch it and it will burn your fingers, its that hot! And then I crank the air or put the window down… only to realize I am freezing and it has passed. Sit and hold some gratitude for your body if you have never felt anything like that. Anyone that has hot flashes – you’ve got this!

Now back to the coffee shop. The Corner Beet ROCKS. I came here today for the CBD ( I ran out at home) and also got the House toast. I decided to stock up on some CBD while I am here as well. Infinite CBD is the Colorado company that I have been using lately. I get the capsules normally but today I decided to try the Isolate Dropper. I take about 25 mg every morning and I feel so much better. *I am not a health professional – I am sharing information that I have learned on CBD. Always do research and make sure what you are doing is right and safe for your body. I have bone pain but CBD can work for all kinds of health issues. Ask your doctor!

So, I am here, living and breathing. I am grateful for that. Anytime I come to a messy emotional situation, I find gratitude. Even though I am feeling down and gray some days, life is still great because I am alive. Some days I even get frustrated that I have to live in the mindset of “well we don’t know how many more days we have so today better rock”. Sure we can live in that mindset and hopefully we can be present and enjoy most days. The idea is great – to live life to the fullest. The truth is it’s not all butterflies and wildflowers, blue skies and sunshine. Life cannot always rock. Life gets messy sometimes and pain comes on. The tears roll and maybe that is just as beautiful. The pain hurts, sure. But it also means I am alive, living, feeling. Not just existing but LIVING. I am more than the pain and five letter word that changed me and my whole life course, and sometimes that is what I need to remember. It is all going to be ok and even though we all know this, sometimes we just need to hear someone elses struggle to put our good or bad shit into perspective.

Whatever is happening in your life, step back. Put into perspective, the good, bad or mediocre you are facing. You must hold space and gratitude for the entire process. Not just the highest peak of a mountain, but also the deepest valley on earth. Gratitude goes far. Maybe you are somewhere in between the peak and the valley. Enjoy that space!

Find gratitude. Feel the emotions. Fight for your life. Be kind. Spread LOVE. Hold hope. Slow Down.

Love Love Love,

Paige

PS – After I wrote this I attended a Yoga Nidra class at Samadhi in Denver and then went to the steam room. Self care is important. Slow down SOMETIMES, even if just for a few moments. Take a bath some days instead of rushing to shower. Slooooooooow doooooown.

You ARE the POWER