The contemplation of having my boob cut open and scraping out all of the life inside at age 25 was one I did not prepare for. It taught me one of the grandest lessons I may ever learn and I can see the exact point in my life that marks the initiation of no more bullshit. The initiation of change and pain and confusion, the depression kicked in for the first time, my chest would randomly tighten making it difficult to breathe. Am I suffocating? Is this it? Why does this feeling keep attacking me?
It was life. So much life bottled up and contained in a way I had been instructed to do. So many rules and ways of being that never prepared me for this. It was the turning point of when I can look back and notice who I was. I don’t even believe some days who I used to be because I was following someone else’s path. Maybe a combination of others because I thought I was “supposed” to. I thought I was supposed to be subtle and quiet and be this mold of what a 20 something should look like. So I became an accountant after the most fun and exploration I ever did in college because it “paid well.” I squeezed into the mold even though I didn’t fit at all.
Now I don’t know who made the mold or who they made it for. I don’t know how I got squeezed into it. I can’t explain how I became this human that accepted everything that others told me without question. Because now I question everything. The most recent question I have is what’s up with the idea “Once in a lifetime?” Why do we only do it once if it’s so magical and unforgettable? Why don’t we find ways to make our whole life more of a magical adventure that we cannot get enough of? I don’t know about you but now that I have questioned it, I get to make the effort to change my outcome. And now, I hope every year I get to have a once in a lifetime experience. Maybe more often if I am lucky. And I am lucky.
You may be thinking – how is this bitch lucky? She just talked about having her boob scraped out and a few paragraphs later shes trying to convince the reader that she is in fact lucky.
Well that is where a cancer diagnosis to a 25 year old living a false life with a sense of identity that belongs to society explains much much much more than it may seem. Cancer is ugly. Cancer to me means scars, wounds, fatigue, anxiety, depression, darkness, uncertainty. Cancer also means light, rest and self-care, nutritional eating, intentional living, adventure, travel, truth, but mostly L O V E. Cancer woke me up to my own destiny, or dharma.
I am SURE my destiny is still somewhat unknown. I have been hinted things based on feelings of joy and peace. My destiny starts out with being me, not who I thought I should be. I didn’t just decide one day that I was on the path to truth. Over the last few years I have been breaking in order to heal. Breaking old habits and ways. Breaking thought patterns and reactions. Breaking mental stories I’ve been telling myself. There is not a checklist on how to do this either so it is painful and often unclear. But in the process of accepting something I was massively unprepared for, the vulnerability broke me down into my self. The pieces are still me and while some are still waiting to be put in place, the others are put back together in a whole new way.
A way inspired by peace and definitely nature therapy. A way driven by love and kindness. I have chosen where each piece can sit and fit with intention. That is what cancer has given me the most – intention.
I want to share my experience in order to encourage others who may be stuck in the darkest place they’ve seen even though its all pitch black and they can’t really see a thing. I want you to know that starting over is an option and it starts with being mindful. Thinking things through before reacting. Finding comfort in silence and space to just be. I want to share my story to inspire yours. I was originally going to share some tips for shifting to a life that you love and ways to follow your true path if you were once misguided and followed someone else’s path. That felt wrong to me. And truthfully, I am a mess some days. So I just want to share the shift in my perspective and, as a result, the shift in my life. I made a choice to shift and to start seeing things differently. I chose the shift.
The shift is happening every moment because the shift is really living and not feeling guilty. Let me tell you how bad my anxiety is these days and life is harder than it used to be. The difference is that I am choosing this difficult route. I want to go on adventures and spend time with family and old friends. I want to notice the flowers in the park and talk to strangers. I want to eat plant based and I backed off on the alcohol. I refuse to allow others to make me feel out of place or unsure. What cancer gave me is the most confidence I’ve experienced. Cancer has taught me to put my foot down and get what I want and need. My life course has changed drastically and I am so thrilled and grateful for the journey I am on.
Here’s to inspiring consciousness and embracing discomfort in order to elevate our vibration.
Cheers (with a fresh pressed juice and not alcohol),