Climbing up Mountains and Out of Mental Ruts

I have been struggling to feel inspired by my daily life lately. I have also had the task of writing a blog post on my to-do list for literally weeks… like 6 weeks to be exact. Some days I am planning out meals and prepping ingredients. The other days I am waking up, tired, feeling a huge sense of BLAH! Or maybe I am just getting up and going straight to work, not being mindful of my mental state. For the past decade plus, I have been the type to always be planning out my next meal, even if just in my head (I LOVE delicious food!). I am also the type to constantly be on the go – I still love being on the go but now my body can’t always handle it.

Lately, I have had to really listen to my body and rest a lot. From the bone pain to the surgery (I had my ovaries removed about 7 weeks ago), to the stomach virus I got last Friday. I have had quite the list of physical setbacks/restrictions for the majority of this year. That does not even include the side effects from medicine and menopause (hot flashes, headaches, fatigue, joint aches). I don’t say all of this to complain but just to show an example of how multiple physical setbacks can affect a person. I work every day to own my struggle and to find the best in it, definitely not to complain. No two days are the same, and some days this positive light is not always there to help me. Sometimes, I have to turn the light on and search in the corners for a little bit of positivity.

Today I actually had to leave work early because I was feeling so terrible. I came home, laid in bed while I ate (and am still eating) PLAIN steel cut oats, and cried. Cody came rushing in to see if I was ok and asked what was wrong and all I could respond was “I don’t know.” My body is healing, I am still tired, I am hungry for something so delicious and amazing, I am craving connection with like-minded people and I am working to settle into a new home, a new city, and a new lifestyle. I guess when there is so much change it is hard to know what is off. Sure this all takes time but I still want to be able to create an environment that can provide inspiration for my mind, my heart, and my soul. I guess, just maybe, I need to use this rut as a need to create this inspiration instead of looking for it everywhere else.

I think food has been the hardest adjustment for me this year. If you knew me years ago you would remember how much I love love love(D) food. I mean just click over to my Foodie Paige or my pinterest food boards. I used to think about food all the time in the most exciting way. Now I think about it in a way of “I am so freaking hungry, what do I eat?”. And I panic. I don’t enjoy food like I used to. It is a huge challenge to cook meals that have no animal products (meat, dairy, eggs, butter), no processed flour, no sugar, no processed foods, no chemicals and so on… basically everything is homemade and unless you’re in the kitchen all of the time, you’re eating raw carrots and apples. Or maybe you’re eating plain steel cut oats, crying in your underwear in bed at 1pm after leaving your juice job early. So I guess we just have to laugh and realize that when Cody asked what was wrong earlier I should have answered about how I was so unhappy to be eating those boring steel cut oats that I was crying about it, like a child.

I am ok with all of this. I guess with moving 4 or 5 times in one year, by the time everything settles, sometimes we confuse ourselves with the dust and we become part of the mess. It is like I am waiting to let everything settle but I have to start working on getting this shit done and improving my situation. I have been saying for 6 weeks about how I will choose one day each week to prep meals to make my days easier and more enjoyable. I still haven’t prepped more than a day in advance. Who knew that food could throw so much off track. So to recognize it is the best starting point. Today after I stopped crying, I decided to listen to the Chrissy Teigen (because she is the best ever!) podcast on Goop, and that inspired me to write this blog post. To open up and talk it out with myself by typing it up, and then sharing it with you.

So you may be wondering where I am going with all of this. I am trying to share my struggle to show others it is ok to be in a place of darkness for no apparent reason. My struggle is being utterly and completely uninspired. Uninspired to do all of the things I have loved to do in the past. It is not just a phase, I am not going to say that because that’s what everyone says. It WILL end soon if you begin to recognize the root of the struggle and work to change bad habits or thoughts. Identify the areas you are pushing away or trying to avoid – getting in a good yoga practice (physical or mindful), cooking more, or possibly deleting those little social media apps off of your phone (I did this last month and it was amazing – maybe I need to do it again and never re-download the little apps again). I think the most important factor in all of it is facing your fears. Once you come face to face with the fear, however big, you are usually able to confront whatever it is that is suppressing you and hurting you now. Use the darkness  to spark a small flame and create the light for yourself and those around you.

For me, creating a general guideline will help me. I will try to report back soon on how I am doing.

My plan, starting today, is to continue my self care (meditation, yoga, sage burning, baths, journaling, massage), to begin planning meals for 2-3 days at a time, to speak positively about myself, to be more mindful of my time spent alone and with those I love. I will stop myself (or delete the app) anytime I notice myself mindlessly scrolling on social media. I will spend as much time as possible with nature since that it the one thing that I am able to pinpoint that provides me with so much inspiration. (Speaking of check out these pics below from our first backpacking trip through Canyonlands). I will work to become much more present in order to create the environment that the new me needs in this new space. Most importantly, I will not judge myself for the rut. No matter how big or small the problem is, I will honor it and work to adjust things until I am feeling more balanced (aka not crying over a bowl of oats!).

Oh yes, and one other thing I will do is to read more. Please share any inspirational reading recommendations!

My first backpacking trip in Utah and I loved every second of it!

Feel free to hit the follow button below as well if you want to read more posts in the future. I promise they are much more inspirational normally, but what is the good without the bad?

Here’s the view from our campsite in Utah

Love Love Love,

Paige

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